Chronic illness dating for singles with long-term conditions

Chronic illness dating comes with its own particular brand of awkward. The third cancelled plan in a row. The date who says "but you don't look ill". The careful maths of whether you've got enough energy for a Friday night out and a Saturday afternoon, or only one of them. It's no wonder so many people with a long-term condition decide dating is more effort than it's worth.

SingleDisabled is a site for disabled singles and the people who want to date them, and it's built for people who understand that a plan made on Monday is a hopeful estimate rather than a promise. Whether you live with MS, epilepsy, COPD, Crohn's, lupus, ME, fibromyalgia, the after-effects of a stroke or something nobody's quite managed to name yet, you can date here without having to justify yourself.

Who it's for

People with chronic illness come from every age and background. Some were diagnosed young and have never dated without it. Some got a diagnosis in middle age and are working out how to date with a body that's suddenly less predictable. Plenty have a condition that's completely invisible, and are tired of explaining to people that looking fine and feeling fine are different things.

You'll also find people who don't have a long-term condition but know exactly what it involves, often because they've loved someone who did. They're the ones who don't sulk when you cancel, and who'll happily turn a night out into a night in. Finding more of those people, and fewer of the other kind, is the whole point of a chronic illness dating site.

Cancelling because you're unwell isn't flaky. Anyone worth dating will get that.

Energy, spoons and cancelled plans

Lots of people with chronic illness use spoon theory to describe their days: you start with a set number of spoons, everything costs some, and when they're gone, they're gone. A shower costs one. Work costs five. A first date with someone new, including getting ready, travelling and being charming for two hours, might cost the lot.

That makes dating a matter of planning, and planning is easier when the other person knows. A line on your profile like "plans may change, I'll always tell you why" sets expectations kindly. It also tells you a lot about whoever replies. The right person will say "no worries, rain check" and mean it. The wrong one will make you feel guilty, and you'll know to stop there.

Handy things to flag early:

• Invisible illness
• Good days and bad days
• Plans may change
• Daytime dates
• Sofa dates count
• Short dates first
• Smoke-free please
• Happy to talk about it

Dating with MS, epilepsy and other conditions

Every condition shapes dating a little differently, and a few come up again and again.

With multiple sclerosis, MS dating has its own rhythm. Fatigue is usually the biggest factor, and many people with MS find heat makes symptoms worse, so a summer afternoon in a stuffy pub isn't ideal. Shorter dates, cooler venues and the option to sit down make a real difference.

With epilepsy, the big question is when to tell someone, and there's no single answer. Plenty of people mention it once they're planning to meet, along with a quick note on what to do if a seizure happens: stay with them, keep them safe from harm, cushion their head, don't hold them down or put anything in their mouth, time it, and call an ambulance if it goes on for more than five minutes. It takes thirty seconds to say, and most people are glad to know.

With COPD or other breathing conditions, pace is everything: flat routes, places with seating, venues without stairs, and nowhere smoky. If you're dating again after a long marriage or after losing a partner, there's no rush. Take it one good conversation at a time.

Dating after a stroke, especially with aphasia, takes patience, and messaging on SingleDisabled can be a much more comfortable way to get to know someone than a phone call. You can take your time over every reply, and voice notes are there for when typing's tiring.

Cerebral palsy and lifelong conditions

Not every long-term condition is an illness. Cerebral palsy is something you're born with or acquire very young, it doesn't get worse over time, and many people with CP would never describe themselves as ill. So if you've come here looking for a cerebral palsy dating site, CP sits on this page because the dating realities overlap: planning around fatigue, finding accessible venues, and getting past people's assumptions in the first five minutes.

If you have CP and use a chair for getting about, our page on wheelchair dating goes into the practical side of venues and transport in more detail.

When and how to tell someone

You don't owe anyone your diagnosis, and you certainly don't owe it to them in the first message. Some people put it on their profile from day one, because it saves time. Some mention it once they've been chatting for a while. Some wait until a second date. All of that is fine, and our article on how much to share about your health on a profile talks through the pros and cons.

What tends to work is keeping it simple and matter of fact. "I've got lupus, which mostly means I get tired and sometimes have to cancel. Otherwise I'm great company." That's it. You can fill in the rest as you get to know each other.

And when it goes right, it's lovely. You've been seeing someone for a few weeks when you have to cancel Saturday, so you send an apologetic message and brace yourself. Instead of silence you get a reply asking which film you'd watch if you had company. An hour later there's a knock, and a bag on the doorstep with soup, your favourite biscuits and the film you mentioned once, three weeks ago. That's when you know they were listening.

First dates that don't wipe you out

Low effort, high reward: that's the rule for chronic illness dating. A coffee that can stretch into lunch if you're feeling good, or wrap up after forty minutes if you're not. A short walk somewhere with benches. A film, where you're sitting down and the conversation can happen afterwards. And yes, if you're both up for it after a few chats, a sofa date with a takeaway is a perfectly valid second date.

Pick somewhere close to home so the journey doesn't use up half your energy before you've even arrived, and give yourself a recovery day in your diary afterwards. If you're after inspiration, try our list of date ideas that work around a disability.

Dating someone with a chronic illness

If you don't have a long-term condition yourself, the most useful things you can do are the simplest. Believe your date when they say they're tired, even if they looked fine an hour ago. Don't take cancellations personally. Offer to come to them. And don't play doctor: they've almost certainly heard about the miracle diet already.

Many people with long-term conditions also live with anxiety or low mood, partly because chronic illness is hard work. If that's part of your story, our page on dating and mental health might be useful too.

Staying safe

Keep chatting on SingleDisabled until you're comfortable, use block and report if someone's behaviour worries you, and don't share medical details with people you've only just met. When you do meet, pick somewhere public, tell someone you trust the plan, and get yourself home independently. Make sure you've got any medication you might need with you, too.

Where to start

Write a profile that shows the person, not the condition. Mention it if you want to, add a photo or two, and see who's nearby. You can find out more about the wider site on our main disabled dating page.